ME....SIMPLIFIED

after a month long hospital experiences..visualising the hard reality,the invoking fear.. its been another month..things have changed..i have forgotten my real crush but yet he always comes by in my dreams,now i have a huge 'celebrity' crush on Ian Somerhalder but only that i dont get to c him at all which makes removal of the first crush from my mind a little difficult...and well the new addiction for vampires and the creed for them to exist in the real world has become highly overrated..listening to really good music and the effort to understand people around me,giving them chances,fighting a lot and making up still continues and definitely bitching too is still my preferance at leisure times.(well all girls bitch)..lately finding solace in the utterly juvenile yet innocent south east teleseries is my addition in this otherwise dull life of mine.. still something that scares me ...death,disease,weakness...hearing my mom out everyday and the pain she is suffering hurts me to...

So an experience at the hospital....definitely noone wants to hear and know..someplace a man never wants to visit and a married woman earnestly wants to but only once that too coz there is this custom of human coming out of human which god doesnt have much plan in changing.. but unfortunately i am having the "greatest fortune" of returning to the place where i was born, over and over and rather than the memory of coming to this world, the pain inflicted by the neeedles are way to severe.so now blogging with a some tubes inserted in the hand and a headache and a face full of dengue rashes it actually feels a little better,technology surely at rescue..a month ago my mother got admitted here ,underwent an adrenalectomy(dont stress much on understanding wat it is as u atleast need bio in xii and a little interest in the subject to decipher the actual significance of the operation)..well she went back home and now i am here sitting on that similar reclinable spread with a 1 me...

life...thinkin,thinking,thinkiing,thinkiinngg..and the process continues till one day u dont even have the ability to remember ur name..and then comes the vile disguise of the one u trust and takes u away.everything is so uncertain ..wat u ll grow up to be (einstein or just a person learning his laws),wat u ll look like (after all who doesn want to woo the indian cricket team captain),will u at all marry the person u love(all that fights and the money spent and parent's disagreement will go in vain otherwise)..and the biggest wen will u die?(u dont need to take 7 tuitions to get into iit and die an yr later)..overall life is a but a big ?and u dont hav the answer to any..trust me ..ok not me say darwin,even he simplified evolution so much that he still doesnt have the answer to the existence of a heart,a kidney,a liver...Hope we had assumptions and the oracle could actually decide and predict everything but we have so many assumptions that the poor thing would prefer resigning ..al...

let me just share some small talks.. 1)guys,obviously the very first thing that should come into the mind of a 'straight'girl..wen i sit in the car staring out of the window all i find are good looking,dashing men..desire for a perfect bf and all i end up is with .."aaaaaaaaaaa my bf"and his ignorance..the thought..like he isnt one of the best luking guys in town nor amongst the 'top (say) 1000'then wy stick with an ignorant so so man wen i definitely deserve more(w.r.t the fact ..,even friedo pinto is getting a role in a Woody Allen film). 2)i sometimes hate my mom so much for her over expectations from me,for me..and her excessive agitations at times,skepticism..and being so whimsical always bt tonight i had a heart-to-heart chat with her and i discovered that i am no more this 'scared daughter always getting rebuked for the wrong as well as the right reasons'..trust me wen its right i own up coz i feel guilty for being such a douche at times bt wen...

The first one..was quite subtle..my mom left me the previous time with my maternal relatives wen i was suffering from the dreadful but obvious malariae ...so they had to make up for it..so (i don’t remember the exact season ) it was time to go foreign..maybe in standard 8 or 9 then, have had the experience to visit the SAARC countries it was something i was anticipating for long then..so bags all packed boarding the thai airways ..TG 311 was so alluring..one of the many conveniences of the international flight—food and obviously entertainment goes hand in hand..though i missed the opportunity of visualising the shockingly fascinating lighted skyline of Bangkok as the plane landed at 7 in the morning but at that time the flamboyant skyscrapers were enough to enthral me..so then went another week shopping at the 24 hrs open shopping malls and the street shops which resembled our ”new market” ,scampering some Indian restaurants to not annoy our taste buds with their famous fish sauce and...

Déjà vu.....,imagining myself working in a coal mine, meagre salary, unobtainable luxury food, the no bed but just a cot arrangement and electricity like the flickering fate...the extreme of hardship i cud ever imagine, the ultimate route to self destruction ....and there goes the alarm...with the roadster tone in the nokia 3110 classic,1 of my many saviours currently..snooze, alarm, snooze..wake up ..”fuck fuck fuck ..its 8.30.. half an hour to oblivion”..gulp some water, put on the filthy coloured fading yellow shirt with more fading blue stripes on it and the mosquito non- repellent obvious blue trousers and definitely the tie(which i cant tie by myself though)..put in 2 to 3 copies (lately....,as previously i used to maintain an universal copy for all subjects which my mom had bought me wen i got admitted to this ‘never going to be a reminiscence alma mater’..now that the copies are over i thought i wud not be so irresponsible and scamper for notes later so bought 6 copies but on...

girls,take a break..really u must ..its important coz the guys really hav loads of trouble keeping up with ur expectations which actually soar high enough to kill them prematurely.now dont think otherwise as i too belong to the category..but there are certain things rather certain "disqualities" that women possess which i detest..trust me i always try to correct myself in these cases but the realisation is so late that things already get worse for the other person.. that is wat i exactly wish..girls, realise soon enough not to hurt someone.now lets c.. waiting-a pain,wearing those high heels and waiting for ur bf on the middle of the street where ppl actually stare at ur curvature..its irritating,disturbing and fucking u want to point out ur middle finger high up to the jerks on road..bt this is calcutta dear so u let out all on ur bf,legitimate bt a little awry..hear out the guy, give him a chance..if he is like "sorry, i cudn wake up"..take out ur pointed heels an...

its like u suffer these symptoms wen ur too self conscious...and it drags u to hell..the hell which is more deep than just few flames and a boiling pot where u r ready to be the main ingredient of the soup...its more like a headache which never goes away,its like u r cheated by life itself,its a complete 'emotional attaychar' to be more specific which is obtained by oneself ...now wat is 'self consciousness'..a drug which is detrimental ..too detrimental..a toxic substance which destroys u slowly.. i find myself to be a victim and its killing me.trust me..the pain,the tears,the solitude,the fucking emotions..sometimes u feel like dying underage and goin to heaven atleast an identity which is killing the human mechanism might be lost..and so the emotions...the fucking feature which makes human life intolerable at some instances..like tears----wen does the lachrymal glands get overburdened and cannot hold those overpowering hot water drops..u never know..it comes durin pa...

i have like written 6 blogs till now..nothing great but then i havent actually elaborately mentioned about someone whom i shud give undue credit to ...not for this idea of blogging at all ..but just a personal muchas gracias(its spanish 'thank u' by the way) for everything i feel today..exactly, not "everything i am today" coz that is sure to be a 'parents take it all line'...and the capability of expressing myself today is all because of this one person who ever since has entered my life has made it "interesting"..trust me...thats the word i cud fish out....maybe u guys reading out there wont be interested enough but see its a courtesy..6 blogs!!...and no him plus i have reprimanded him in 'love rusts' that too...so i thought lets not insult this man further coz he is my 'first'and'last'hope afterall..and i mean it..like---"hello,u are always busy with ur friends ..get lost i ll never talk to you ever ever again..bye by...

According to wat i perceived in these few days ...innocence is actually foolishness..and i mean a great deal of foolishness..so girls wen u hear from ur partners,"dear, u have lost ur inncocence"..it actually refers to the fact that he is trying to scoop up some affair which now u hav the capability of identifying...so actually its gud ..never be innocent enough to not see into what is coming from ur beloved.. apart from adults ...who are some rare victims of "innocence turned foolishness"..children.."little angels"..are the stupidest ppl i have ever come across(not at ttheir on fault though)..no offense ..i love kids ..bt their stupidity is way too much to engulf...if i like one particular kid from the lot ..trust me..i wud just go forward and rescue him/her from the upcoming humility he/she is about to face and then regret thinking bout it the entire life... there was this cricket "match" goin on in my para..with 5 "players".who ace a...