life ...as i know it

its like u suffer these symptoms wen ur too self conscious...and it drags u to hell..the hell which is more deep than just few flames and a boiling pot where u r ready to be the main ingredient of the soup...its more like a headache which never goes away,its like u r cheated by life itself,its a complete 'emotional attaychar' to be more specific which is obtained by oneself ...now wat is 'self consciousness'..a drug which is detrimental ..too detrimental..a toxic substance which destroys u slowly..
i find myself to be a victim and its killing me.trust me..the pain,the tears,the solitude,the fucking emotions..sometimes u feel like dying underage and goin to heaven atleast an identity which is killing the human mechanism might be lost..and so the emotions...the fucking feature which makes human life intolerable at some instances..like tears----wen does the lachrymal glands get overburdened and cannot hold those overpowering hot water drops..u never know..it comes durin pain,it comes durin joy,it comes durin frustration,it comes wen u r guilty and sometimes they just slip down my face at night provoking my existence at fault or an identity crisis maybe.. to be more precise..bt trust me it happens to loners like me only,maybe..happiness----a very rare sensation that my brain is made to feel i tell u...it comes wen..well let me think ..specially wen i feel i luk pretty and everyone is lukin at me..though its just an assumption but still i make my belief so strong that noone can stir me at that happy moment,or wen i get good grades(secondary obviously)..or any success story for me or my loved ones..just so cliche..bt they need to really set an alarm loud enough for my passive emotion to get experienced...and the most dominant blue---alwaysss..wat makes it happen so often..self consciousness defi..see i come back to wat i started..a lil zit gets so much importance in my life that i prefer lockin myself in the room,staring at pics of ppl havin fun all the time and making myself feel blue..the color has lost its actual meaning to a quite extent in my case ..wen i feel everyone always notices me ..so i shud luk perfect,behave perfect..and this put-up i tell u has made me forget myself completely..its just the put-up version of me which haunts me enough to just regret my entire life and even eternity i guess...even if i realise i really cant help it...sigh sigh..but like we live only once ..with the identity we own now..so well sigh sigh again..well its complicated.

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